Fighting Out of the Red Corner...

In Tuesday’s matchup against the Detroit Tigers, Kevin Youkilis was hit by a pitch in the second inning, and proceeded to charge the mound. There’s debate as to whether the ensuing brawl energized the Boston clubhouse or was just selfish behavior on the part of Youkilis. If it did indeed energize the Red Sox, they did not pay close attention to the fight. If anything, it should have humiliated the club to the point where they are ashamed to stay in the batter’s box. Youkilis is a 220 lb. beast—monster go-tee, shaved head, and the body of a Viking warrior. The head-hunting pitcher, Rick Porcello, on the other hand is a 200 lb. scarecrow—a 20 year-old rookie with the body of a fashion designer. Now let’s think about this. If these two squared off in the octagon, Youkilis would compete as a Heavyweight, the same weight class as juiced-up giant Brock Lesnar; whereas Porcello would fight in the smaller Light Heavyweight division. Since MLB owns the rights to the film, I’ll recap how the showdown went down.

Youkilis gets hit in the back, charges the mound, throws his batting helmet at Porcello (which is a dead givaway he has no idea what he's doing), and instead of throwing a punch at Porcello like any decent fighter would do, he opts to tackle Porcello, if you could call it that. Porcello doesn’t even know what’s going on, and throws his hands in the air like a spoiled hockey player getting called for a penalty. Then Youkilis wraps his arms around the Tigers rookie as if he were giving him a goodbye hug, not trying to tackle him to the ground. Don’t forget, Youkilis is trying to make a statement here: don’t mess with the Boston Red Sox, or you’ll be sorry. However, the statement he ended up making was more like: we’re pussies and don’t know how to defend ourselves. Porcello, who I must say is as lanky as lanky can be, basically throws Youkilis off him and lands on top of him, pinning him to the infield grass. If he wanted, Ricky Porcello could have started throwing wild punches at our All-Star hitter; luckily for Youkilis, Tigers and Red Sox alike just started piling on top of each other instead of letting the two go at it. There’s no doubt about this one. By unanimous decision, the fight goes to Rick Porcello.

Both players ended up getting suspended for five games by Major League Baseball after the bench-clearing brawl. I think professional sports should adopt the punishment system of Midway Sport’s NHL Hitz: the loser of the fight gets handed a huge penalty, but the winner essentially gets off the hook. In this case, I would suspend Youkilis for ten games for making a fool of himself and all who support the Red Sox, and fine Porcello a few thousand dollars.