Soccer fans in the United States are troubled. They are troubled because there are so few of them. They search on TV to find some MLS or even some UEFA. Unfortunately, such programming is usually lower down on ESPN’s priority list than billiards. At least in billiards, people can watch with a continued interest, and there are plenty of opportunities for commercial breaks so the network can actually make some money. Soccer, I hate to break it to you, but it’s just too boring. Too much action happens at mid-field, there isn’t enough scoring, there isn’t enough physicality, it just doesn’t fit America’s mold of an ideal spectator sport. But I think that that could change a few rule alterations.
1.Make the field smaller. More goals will be scored; the game will become more fast-passed and exciting. Less action at mid-field and more around the goal.
2.Bring cheerleaders. Basketball has them, football has them, why not soccer? With minimal clothing, do a little dance between quarters…that will definitely draw a crowd.
3.Use more than one ball. There’d always be something going on. Players would have no time to just stand around and fans would always have something to watch. One ball is red and is worth 5 points per goal. One ball is blue and is worth 2 points per goal. Even if one team is down by 4 points, they could take the lead with one goal. How cool would that be?
4.Make the nets smaller. With a smaller field, every shot will be like a penalty kick. Players will need to have pin-point accuracy and the goalies will have to have lightning-fast reflexes.
5.Refs become more lenient. We all hate how basketball fouls are given out like condoms at Planned Parenthood centers, and we all love brawls in hockey. A little more contact would always make the game more interesting. Plus, we’d start to see dirty players emerge like Chris Pronger of the NHL, who we love to hate, but at least they wouldn’t all be generic athletes, afraid of slide-tackling because they might get a yellow-card.
Soccer is the most popular sport in the world. There’s nothing wrong with taking something from elsewhere in the world and Americanizing it. Cricket became baseball, rugby became football, and pizza became the pizzone. It’s American culture to take something loved throughout the world, and then rework it/fuck it up to fit our own needs.
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ReplyDeleteeasily the most retarded article i have ever read. this article makes me want to never return to this website ever again. you suck
ReplyDeleteok cam, name 5 players in the MLS
ReplyDeleteyou think that would ruin the game of soccer.
ReplyDeleteOK, Italian-Americans thought messing with the classic pizza recipe would ruin pizza. Now we have meat-lovers, hawaiian, cheeseburger, meatball, its Americas favorite food. Thats what these rule changes would do to soccer
whos your primary source for the italian americans bit? and it cant be rio
ReplyDeleteoh my goodness. this article is a good example of everything that's wrong with America. Bringing cheerleaders to soccer? Really?
ReplyDeleteHere's why soccer isn't popular. It's because there are no good broadcasting companies willing to show it. There is no time for commercials, meaning no ad revenue, meaning soccer fans are forced to watch on channels like "Fox Business" (the home of the Revolution.)
When the world cup comes, everyone in America watches. It's great fun. Soccer does not need more balls, smaller nets, and hookers.
Seriously take this article down.
The last line should be, "It's American culture to take something loved throughout the world, and then fuck it up."
ReplyDeletethats kind of what i meant, Joe. I didn't want ot be so blunt, but ok.
ReplyDeleteBut hockey doesn't have time for commercials, so they MAKE time. TV Timeouts. I don't see why they cant do the same for soccer.
Because it would ruin an otherwise perfect game LOVED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. We don't need to change the sport, we need to change our broadcasting company's priorities. The World Cup has huge viewing numbers, its the fact that our national teams have no coverage and no publicity.
ReplyDeleteDon't change anything about the game.
This was a satire, JOE. America doesn't value what the rest of the world does cause our culture is so messsed up. I honestly do not want to change the game of soccer, I was satirizing American culture, if you will.
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